Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
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Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.