I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.