ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT