Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Yes
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done