Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Selfie
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes