So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
dutch so unserious
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Bed should get ready for ME
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it