I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
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Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical