if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.