Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I’d love this…lol
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
When they try to steal your moment.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed