Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Schrödinger’s cookie
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol