Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
fired
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.