Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
You had me at “define legal”.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*