I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
courtroom exchange of the day
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all