there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer