I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”