me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.