Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.