BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!