Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
scared to check what name she chose
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
🤣🤣🤣
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.