All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
You Might Also Like
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain