Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?