Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Why soy sad?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.