Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road