“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.