I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
You Might Also Like
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.