sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I get distracted pretty eas
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
We’ve come full circle
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.