Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience