We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk