The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong