Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
You Might Also Like
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.