[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
This raises questions
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.