My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
then why did i get this email
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh