Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
WHO DID THIS?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again