“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.