Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.