I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries