-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses