people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Peace was never an option
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Tell me you get it…🤣
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
True freaking story!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.