guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels