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What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
titanic
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
me hitting on a model
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR