“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.