Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs