A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together