if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait