TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*