manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with