If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.