Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you