my mind
You just read my mind
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.