current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Usage Guidelines
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”